By: Chris “The Stew” Stewart
You know what sucks? The Economy sucks. I used to like the economy, but all of the sudden it turned into an asshole and started ruining my day. I miss the 90’s and all of the post Reaganomics goodness. I will now rant for the next 200 words about what is wrong with the economy and you will listen to every word I have to say (…or not it’s up to you).
Candy:
When I was a kid in the glorious 80’s, every once in a while my mother would give my brother and I each a dollar to go to the local store and buy candy. Now that I know how annoying kids are I give my mom props for her genius. The walk to the candy store was about 20 minutes each way and was all uphill on the way home. My brossif and would disappear for 40 minutes to an hour leaving my mother with a momentary lapse of commotion and chaos and we would return happy and tired. My bro and I would load up on red hots, bubble gum, lemonheads and still have change left over for a carton of Marlboro Reds and a few MD 20/20’s… and all for $2.Well shit’s changed. I went to a gas station the other day and purchased a Take-Five bar (delicious) and it cost me like 15 bucks. Why does everything cost so much money these days? I wish I was exaggerating but I don’t even know how to exaggerate. It’s a genetic disposition and my cross to bear. I’m not asking for sympathy…only understanding.
Raises:
Well everything’s getting more expensive. It costs $207 for a PBR thirty-pack and a candy bar costs me a week’s salary. Well at least I am going to get a sweet raise this year so that I can maintain my current lifestyle right? Syke! I am getting dick-squat for a raise this year because the “economy” is doing badly. The firm that owns my soul still makes bank and is profitable, but apparently asking that they break off a sweet chunk of that goodness is crazy talk. Instead of that they’ll milk my skills for one more year for the same amount as they did last year. Thanks for the morale boost. I am super motivated now!
8 Ball Says…
Stew: “Magic 8 ball, will this all turn around shortly so that we can return to sweet times filled with high fives, raises, penny candy and karate on every cable channel between 156 and 188?”
Magic 8 Ball: “Stew get your head out of your ass!”
That’s what I thought but I had to make sure. I wish this crap was just going to get all sweet and awesome in the near future but apparently the powers that be would rather do Jagerbombs in Congress than stoop down to my level and help me out. Thanks Government!Well to summarize, the economy sucks, I can’t afford to buy a scrap of bread for my wife and children (I don’t really have any children) and I’ll probably end up homeless and have to give blumpies for nickels under the highway, but at least I’m staying optimistic.
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