Manly Cards

The Value of a Dollar

By: Chris “The Stew” Stewart

 

You know what sucks? The Economy sucks. I used to like the economy, but all of the sudden it turned into an asshole and started ruining my day. I miss the 90’s and all of the post Reaganomics goodness. I will now rant for the next 200 words about what is wrong with the economy and you will listen to every word I have to say (…or not it’s up to you).

 

Candy:

When I was a kid in the glorious 80’s, every once in a while my mother would give my brother and I each a dollar to go to the local store and buy candy. Now that I know how annoying kids are I give my mom props for her genius. The walk to the candy store was about 20 minutes each way and was all uphill on the way home. My brossif and would disappear for 40 minutes to an hour leaving my mother with a momentary lapse of commotion and chaos and we would return happy and tired. My bro and I would load up on red hots, bubble gum, lemonheads and still have change left over for a carton of Marlboro Reds and a few MD 20/20’s… and all for $2.

 

Well shit’s changed. I went to a gas station the other day and purchased a Take-Five bar (delicious) and it cost me like 15 bucks. Why does everything cost so much money these days? I wish I was exaggerating but I don’t even know how to exaggerate. It’s a genetic disposition and my cross to bear. I’m not asking for sympathy…only understanding.

 

Raises:

Well everything’s getting more expensive. It costs $207 for a PBR thirty-pack and a candy bar costs me a week’s salary. Well at least I am going to get a sweet raise this year so that I can maintain my current lifestyle right? Syke! I am getting dick-squat for a raise this year because the “economy” is doing badly. The firm that owns my soul still makes bank and is profitable, but apparently asking that they break off a sweet chunk of that goodness is crazy talk. Instead of that they’ll milk my skills for one more year for the same amount as they did last year. Thanks for the morale boost. I am super motivated now!

 

8 Ball Says…

Stew:   “Magic 8 ball, will this all turn around shortly so that we can return to sweet times filled with high fives, raises, penny candy and karate on every cable channel between 156 and 188?” 

 

Magic 8 Ball: “Stew get your head out of your ass!”

 

That’s what I thought but I had to make sure. I wish this crap was just going to get all sweet and awesome in the near future but apparently the powers that be would rather do Jagerbombs in Congress than stoop down to my level and help me out. Thanks Government!

 

Well to summarize, the economy sucks, I can’t afford to buy a scrap of bread for my wife and children (I don’t really have any children) and I’ll probably end up homeless and have to give blumpies for nickels under the highway, but at least I’m staying optimistic.

Being a Fantasy Football Girlfriend 101

By: Blake Reiter

 

I hate my best friend.

 

I want to lock myself in my room and cry uncontrollably.

 

I want to chain smoke an entire pack of cigarettes. And I don’t even smoke cigarettes.

 

These are emotions felt by the majority of the male population between the months of September and January. These are feelings all men can relate to and no woman can comprehend. These are the symptoms associated with Significant Emotional Attachment to Fantasy Football Syndrome (SEAFFS).

 

Fantasy football is a sport that requires time, dedication, and a nine-to-five job that does not block the website www.fantasysports.yahoo.com. The latter is imperative. Without nine-to-five access to your fantasy football league, you’re going to miss out on valuable waiver wire pickups. Women obsess over handbags. Men obsess over waiver wire pickups. A woman will spend an hour looking at herself in a mirror from multiple angles trying to decide if a pocketbook makes her look fat. A man will spend an hour looking at defensive statistics to decide whether or not a random 4^th string wide receiver on the Chiefs is worth starting on a given week. It’s been a long time coming, but men finally have a seemingly trivial task to spend an unnecessarily long time completing.

 

With the football season just days away, men are preparing themselves for the emotional rollercoaster that is fantasy football. With the exception of sexual orgasm, nothing else can bring a man from a supreme, unadulterated high to a slobbering, waste of life in a matter of seconds. Women have to be strong and support their male companions during this time of extreme emotional volatility. Men do it when women get PMS. It’s only fair.

 

I’d like to address the ladies and elaborate on how you can support your male counterparts during the fantasy football season. (Men, forward this to your girlfriends, as it will only be to your benefit.)

 

First and foremost, do not rush your boyfriend into making a fantasy decision. Some decisions require a fair amount of time and research. Do you remember how long he waited for you to decide whether you liked the linen pants with the cotton top or the cotton pants with the linen top? I know you want him to take you to Sunday brunch, but the wrong decision can destroy an entire fantasy season. Your cornflake crusted brioche French toast can wait 20 minutes. 

 

Now, if and when your boyfriend makes a bad fantasy move, he will be crushed. As the lady in his life, it is you job to support him and lick his wounds. And I don’t [necessarily] mean sexually. Your man will [most likely] be too distraught to think about sex. He needs to vent, and as his girlfriend, it’s your job to be there to listen.

 

Over the years, men all over have listened to their girlfriends talk about their problems and emotions, and we do our best to listen and provide the best advice possible. Fantasy football is different. Men can understand, or at least pretend to understand, the trials and tribulations of female life. Women, on the other hand, don’t understand fantasy football. So, here is a quick survival guide explaining how to handle various fantasy football related issues your boyfriend may come to you with over the course of the season.

 

First, we must acknowledge that there are certain rules men follow regardless of what they may actually think. For example, if your girlfriend asks if she looks fat, the answer is “No” every time. Fantasy football is exactly the same. If you are approached by your boyfriend and he asks if you think he made the right decision starting Player X over Player Y, the answer is “Yes” every time. He’s going to be second-guessing his fantasy decisions all season long, and if he makes the wrong one, he is going to be taking a lot of heat and trash talking from his opponents. As his girlfriend, it is your duty to support him and all of his fantasy decisions. 

 

Now you may be saying, “What do I do if he makes a comment to me about a specific player?” Well, below are a few formulas to help you generate well-thought-out, insightful football comments. The formulas pertain to situations that are likely to occur at some point in the season. Just follow step-by-step, and in no time, you’ll be impressing your boyfriend with your knowledge of football.

 

If he complains that his running back didn’t get a touchdown because another running back on the same team got the touchdown:
You say: “I’m really sorry that happened sweetie. [INSERT RUNNING BACK THAT DIDN’T GET TOUCHDOWN] is in a running back-by-committee system with [INSERT RUNNING BACK THAT GOT TOUCHDOWN] and that’s going to happen occasionally. A lot of teams have been using that system in recent years.”

If he’s upset that one of the players on his team had a great rookie season last year, but is now underperforming:
You say: “That’s really unfortunate baby. [INSERT PLAYER] had a great [IF PLAYER IS WIDE RECEIVER OR TIGHT END, SAY ‘RECEIVING’. IF PLAYER IS RUNNING BACK, SAY ‘RUSHING’. IF PLAYER IS QUARTERBACK, SAY ‘PASSING’] season last year, but he was a rookie. Now that he’s in his second year, it wouldn’t be uncommon for him to have a sophomore slump.”

 

The following deals with a very specific situation; however, if you are watching football with your boyfriend and the situation occurs, pulling a stunner like this will send him into a state of complete and utter disbelief. Try hard to understand the situation and be able to recognize it. If it happens at some point during the season, deliver this line. You will thank me.

 

If one of his players is in the end zone about to catch a pass for a touchdown, but he is unable to make the catch because of defensive pass interference, and on the ensuing play, the ball is placed on the 1-yard line and a running back gets the touchdown instead of the guy on his fantasy team:
You say: “Awww, honey. I’m so sorry. [INSERT PLAYER THAT DID NOT GET TOUCHDOWN] totally should have had that touchdown. It kind of reminds me of that Eagles game last season. Remember? Desean Jackson was about to get a touchdown, but he celebrated too early and threw the ball up in the air before he was in the end zone. Westbrook then got the touchdown on the next play. Made no difference to the Eagles, but really sucked for everyone who had Desean Jackson on their fantasy team.”

Most women hate football season. Their male counterparts spend all day Sunday watching football, and women begin to feel like ‘football widows’. This should not be the case.  Football should bring relationships closer. Men love football, and invariably, they will come down with a case of SEAFFS at some point during the season. Women all over America who take my advice to heart will sooner come to accept and even embrace this inevitable phenomenon that occurs every year between the months of September and January.

I Can't Believe the Crap That's On TV These Days!

By: Chris “The Stew” Stewart

 

Stew Man here coming at you live from paradise city (Baltimore). Ok so I come home from the gym this morning and my wife woke up early to catch up her newest addiction, Khloe and Kourtney Go To Miami or something like that. My wife has DVR’d about 15 days worth of the most painfully dumb and idiotic reality TV show ever known to mankind. I can’t get over how horrible this crap is and what I can’t understand is why chicks dig this junk. I’d rather hang out with the Jonas Brothers at a Hanson concert than watch some of this stuff. For those of you who are lucky enough not to cohabitate with your significant other or don’t have TV, allow me to fill you in on some of the crap out there. (Note…I am heavily focusing on the E! channel because it takes up about 88% of our DVR)

The Real Housewives of _________

This is the worst show in the history of television. I don’t want to kill the creator of this show, I want to kill the asshole he pitched it to who gave it the green light. That guy is a real dick. This show is about 4-10 bitchy rich women who know nothing about reality and love to create drama. They lie, cheat, steal, whore-out and basically ruin my life. I never watch this show but any time my wife gets together with another girl and they talk about it, I want to cut my ears off and staple them to the wall. “Can you believe what Sue did last night? I can’t believe she said that to random girl x!” Who cares? Really who cares? These people are losers with coin. I am way sweeter and more entertaining than these B’s.

 

Khloe and Kourtney Go To Miami

Ok so these girls are Kardashians. Raise your hands if you care about the Kardashians. That’s what I thought. Not one dude raised his hand because they are only famous because their dad kept the Juice out of jail. Sweet call Mr. Kardashian, OJ turned out to be a bastion of class. He didn’t arm up and bust into some dude’s pad in Vegas to steal trophies or anything. These girls just slut around, blast coke and talk about how awful they are. You are right girls, you are awful. 

 

Talk Soup

This show is hysterical. The only island to cling to in a sea horrible programming.

 

Kendra

Kendra is the dumbest person in the world. Does she have a sweet rack? Yes. Does she have any other redeeming qualities? No. She is quite possibly the dumbest and most annoying chick in the history of TV. This chick makes Jessica Simpson look like Good Will Hunting. This is why dudes buy Playboy magazine, but don’t watch Playboy models on TV: magazines don’t talk and ruin everything. They just nude up and entice you to fondle your goods. You had it right the first time Heff…keep them silent.

 

Denise Richards….It’s Complicated

Of course it’s complicated Denise. You used to be married to Charlie Sheen. How do you go from a sweet dude like that to anything else? Good luck. Charlie Sheen bangs out with all of Hollywood like every 15 minutes. Denise Richards owns a pig. Charlie Sheen has a sweet brother named Emilio Estevez. Denise Richards has a boring show on E! Charlie Wins. 

 

Well I hope that you dudes out there can feel my pain. 

Surviving Phoenix

By Guest Writer: Justin Neff

 

Most people, in most places look forward to the long, lazy days of summer. There is one thing these people have in common: they do not live in Phoenix, Arizona, the absolute worst place in the world…okay, the worst place in the United States…to be during the months of June, July and August. Here, we look forward to burning our bodies when we get in the car and having swamp ass from the second we step out of the shower until the second we step back in. Let me put it this way, do you know the dream sequence in Terminator 2 when Sarah Connor sees herself playing with her kids and then a nuclear bomb goes off and she gets burned to nothing. That wasn’t special effects, that was news footage of a homeless woman in Phoenix getting stuck while trying to climb over Charles Barkley’s security fence in mid July. 

 

So what do we desert dwellers do? The city can’t just stop: Lawns must be mowed, dogs must be walked and long pants and a shirt must still be worn to work. How is survival possible?   Well, it is different for everyone, but there is one thing every person must do to survive: bitch and act surprised by something that has happened for hundreds of years and will continue to happen for hundreds more. Honestly, if you arrive at work and don’t comment to the first five people you see in the morning and the last three people you see before you leave about how hot it is and how many days in row it has been above 110, you will not make it. 

 

I know what you are thinking: just get in the pool and stop complaining. Let me ask you a question: After a long run or sitting in the sun for a few hours, do you crave a nice warm bath? Perhaps one that has already been urinated in by a hundred of your closest neighbors? Obviously I don’t know your answer, but am guessing you aren’t craving a warm piss bath. If you do seek this as your form of escape, there is only one way relief is guaranteed. You will need two water noodles, SPF 50 or higher sun lotion and a pair of sunglasses that make you legally blind. Put one noodle under your knees, and loop the other under your neck and then under both arms. This will allow you to float effortlessly in the pool with only your face exposed. The only problem is that within 4-8 minutes the sunglasses will become either melted onto your face or hot enough to brand an entire herd of cattle. 

 

Obviously you can’t spend the entire day submerged in the water. A common form of refuge is the movie theater. Now I am not talking about a leisurely Saturday dinner and a movie type deal. I am talking about going to see what ever piece of shit is available in the middle of the day. There are things I've done in my life and am ashamed of, but will admit to. I have stolen weed from my students, I have taken advantage of the old and the weak, I have given a baby the finger because of his attitude and I have driven while drunk, high and writing a guest article for an online newsletter. However, I will never admit to some of the movies I have seen since moving to the desert. I, along with countless other embarrassed souls, will continue to enjoy the cool air while watching Rob Schneider and Andy Dick compete as counselors at a day camp for fat kids.

The nights offer very little relief. Every night I end my day with a little local news. In the top right corner of the screen are the time, temp and a pic of a peacock sans feet. If the time is before midnight, the temp is still in the triple digits. These are facts that try men’s souls. Some people have nightmares about clowns, about herpes on prom night, about Ben Roethlisberger dating your sister. Me, I have nightmares about the night and how it mocks my will to live. I don’t write this trying to evoke sympathy from the masses. No, my reason is simple: Enjoy your summers! Unless you are reading this from Phoenix or Vegas, go outside and inhale the sanity-allowing temperature. Embrace the rain and the humidity. Take your dog for a walk when the sun is out and turn your a/c below 84 degrees at night. Live, man, live during these months. Live for us tucked away in the Southwest. Live, because believe me, come February, we are going to be living for you poor saps.

 

As a side note -- if anyone mentions the phrase ‘but it’s a dry heat,’ I will erase your existence from human history.