By: Blake Reiter
If one of his players is in the end zone about to catch a pass for a touchdown, but he is unable to make the catch because of defensive pass interference, and on the ensuing play, the ball is placed on the 1-yard line and a running back gets the touchdown instead of the guy on his fantasy team:
You say: “Awww, honey. I’m so sorry. [INSERT PLAYER THAT DID NOT GET TOUCHDOWN] totally should have had that touchdown. It kind of reminds me of that Eagles game last season. Remember? Desean Jackson was about to get a touchdown, but he celebrated too early and threw the ball up in the air before he was in the end zone. Westbrook then got the touchdown on the next play. Made no difference to the Eagles, but really sucked for everyone who had Desean Jackson on their fantasy team.”
I hate my best friend.
I want to lock myself in my room and cry uncontrollably.
I want to chain smoke an entire pack of cigarettes. And I don’t even smoke cigarettes.
These are emotions felt by the majority of the male population between the months of September and January. These are feelings all men can relate to and no woman can comprehend. These are the symptoms associated with Significant Emotional Attachment to Fantasy Football Syndrome (SEAFFS).
Fantasy football is a sport that requires time, dedication, and a nine-to-five job that does not block the website www.fantasysports.yahoo.com. The latter is imperative. Without nine-to-five access to your fantasy football league, you’re going to miss out on valuable waiver wire pickups. Women obsess over handbags. Men obsess over waiver wire pickups. A woman will spend an hour looking at herself in a mirror from multiple angles trying to decide if a pocketbook makes her look fat. A man will spend an hour looking at defensive statistics to decide whether or not a random 4th string wide receiver on the Chiefs is worth starting on a given week. It’s been a long time coming, but men finally have a seemingly trivial task to spend an unnecessarily long time completing.
With the football season just days away, men are preparing themselves for the emotional rollercoaster that is fantasy football. With the exception of sexual orgasm, nothing else can bring a man from a supreme, unadulterated high to a slobbering, waste of life in a matter of seconds. Women have to be strong and support their male companions during this time of extreme emotional volatility. Men do it when women get PMS. It’s only fair.
I’d like to address the ladies and elaborate on how you can support your male counterparts during the fantasy football season. (Men, forward this to your girlfriends, as it will only be to your benefit.)
First and foremost, do not rush your boyfriend into making a fantasy decision. Some decisions require a fair amount of time and research. Do you remember how long he waited for you to decide whether you liked the linen pants with the cotton top or the cotton pants with the linen top? I know you want him to take you to Sunday brunch, but the wrong decision can destroy an entire fantasy season. Your cornflake crusted brioche French toast can wait 20 minutes.
Now, if and when your boyfriend makes a bad fantasy move, he will be crushed. As the lady in his life, it is you job to support him and lick his wounds. And I don’t [necessarily] mean sexually. Your man will [most likely] be too distraught to think about sex. He needs to vent, and as his girlfriend, it’s your job to be there to listen.
Over the years, men all over have listened to their girlfriends talk about their problems and emotions, and we do our best to listen and provide the best advice possible. Fantasy football is different. Men can understand, or at least pretend to understand, the trials and tribulations of female life. Women, on the other hand, don’t understand fantasy football. So, here is a quick survival guide explaining how to handle various fantasy football related issues your boyfriend may come to you with over the course of the season.
First, we must acknowledge that there are certain rules men follow regardless of what they may actually think. For example, if your girlfriend asks if she looks fat, the answer is “No” every time. Fantasy football is exactly the same. If you are approached by your boyfriend and he asks if you think he made the right decision starting Player X over Player Y, the answer is “Yes” every time. He’s going to be second-guessing his fantasy decisions all season long, and if he makes the wrong one, he is going to be taking a lot of heat and trash talking from his opponents. As his girlfriend, it is your duty to support him and all of his fantasy decisions.
Now you may be saying, “What do I do if he makes a comment to me about a specific player?” Well, below are a few formulas to help you generate well-thought-out, insightful football comments. The formulas pertain to situations that are likely to occur at some point in the season. Just follow step-by-step, and in no time, you’ll be impressing your boyfriend with your knowledge of football.
If he complains that his running back didn’t get a touchdown because another running back on the same team got the touchdown:
You say: “I’m really sorry that happened sweetie. [INSERT RUNNING BACK THAT DIDN’T GET TOUCHDOWN] is in a running back-by-committee system with [INSERT RUNNING BACK THAT GOT TOUCHDOWN] and that’s going to happen occasionally. A lot of teams have been using that system in recent years.”
You say: “I’m really sorry that happened sweetie. [INSERT RUNNING BACK THAT DIDN’T GET TOUCHDOWN] is in a running back-by-committee system with [INSERT RUNNING BACK THAT GOT TOUCHDOWN] and that’s going to happen occasionally. A lot of teams have been using that system in recent years.”
If he’s upset that one of the players on his team had a great rookie season last year, but is now underperforming:
You say: “That’s really unfortunate baby. [INSERT PLAYER] had a great [IF PLAYER IS WIDE RECEIVER OR TIGHT END, SAY ‘RECEIVING’. IF PLAYER IS RUNNING BACK, SAY ‘RUSHING’. IF PLAYER IS QUARTERBACK, SAY ‘PASSING’] season last year, but he was a rookie. Now that he’s in his second year, it wouldn’t be uncommon for him to have a sophomore slump.”
You say: “That’s really unfortunate baby. [INSERT PLAYER] had a great [IF PLAYER IS WIDE RECEIVER OR TIGHT END, SAY ‘RECEIVING’. IF PLAYER IS RUNNING BACK, SAY ‘RUSHING’. IF PLAYER IS QUARTERBACK, SAY ‘PASSING’] season last year, but he was a rookie. Now that he’s in his second year, it wouldn’t be uncommon for him to have a sophomore slump.”
The following deals with a very specific situation; however, if you are watching football with your boyfriend and the situation occurs, pulling a stunner like this will send him into a state of complete and utter disbelief. Try hard to understand the situation and be able to recognize it. If it happens at some point during the season, deliver this line. You will thank me.
You say: “Awww, honey. I’m so sorry. [INSERT PLAYER THAT DID NOT GET TOUCHDOWN] totally should have had that touchdown. It kind of reminds me of that Eagles game last season. Remember? Desean Jackson was about to get a touchdown, but he celebrated too early and threw the ball up in the air before he was in the end zone. Westbrook then got the touchdown on the next play. Made no difference to the Eagles, but really sucked for everyone who had Desean Jackson on their fantasy team.”
Most women hate football season. Their male counterparts spend all day Sunday watching football, and women begin to feel like ‘football widows’. This should not be the case. Football should bring relationships closer. Men love football, and invariably, they will come down with a case of SEAFFS at some point during the season. Women all over America who take my advice to heart will sooner come to accept and even embrace this inevitable phenomenon that occurs every year between the months of September and January.
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