Manly Cards

Ways To Be Cool

By: Chris “The Stew” Stewart

 

So the other day I was surfing the World Wide Web and I came across this gem. It is a superbly written list of “Ways to be Cool.” I decided to dissect this list and absorb as much information as possible so that I can increase my power cool level from a 7.3 to a 9.4 (anything above 9.5 is impossible…unless you’re Kip Winger).

 

Here’s what I came up with:

 

Motorcycles and wearing cologne are two pretty obvious ways of being cool. Look at bad asses like Prince from Purple Rain. He rocked sweet hair, wore all purple, doused himself in cologne and drove his motorcycle straight into the hearts of all the women in Minnesota. 

 

I was a little confused about item three on the list, “Move to Williamsburg,” at first, but now it is clear. Colonial Williamsburg is jam packed with history loving nerdy women.   If you move to a town like Williamsburg with your motorcycle and musky cologne…you are all but guaranteed to melt some bookish vixen’s heart with your icy cool persona. This guy is a genius.

 

He hits the nail right on the head time and time again. Just when he ups the bar, he knocks your socks off and ups it again. For example, not only does he state that playing guitars is cool, but so is being a band photographer. Think about this scenario: you are at a bar; some chick comes up to you and says, “What do you do for a living?” Your answer would be, “I am a band photographer for an awesome band.” The chick would say, “What band do you shoot for?” and you would answer, “My band…I am the photographer for my band…we rock!!” She would rip off all of her clothes and mount you right there and then.

 

Some of these items are very self explanatory. “Eat More Meat,” Hang out with Steve,” “360’s” and “online friendships” are easy ways for any nerdy douche to up his awesome levels. Nothing wows the chicks and impresses the hombres like the aforementioned items.

 

A combo of a bunch of these items is an easy way to become cooler. Imagine this scenario. Some dude walks up to you and says, “Hey man, what are you up to?” Well if you take the advice above, you can answer with something like this, “Oh nothing much, just wearing my Abercroombie and Flitch Leather Jacket, listening to some pshychrock and reading my new subscription to Vice…you know, the usual.” That dude will be so floored that you’ll have to pick up his jaw for him after it hits the ground. Also, you can combine “Exxxtreme Everything” with “Make My Own Movie” and you’ll probably end up with something like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sj7UBgVVew8

 

Now I also noticed that there are a bunch of items that were crossed out from this list. My personal opinion is that these items are the keys to being cool and whoever wrote this did not want to give away all of his secrets. I can’t say I blame him but I would pay a lifetime’s salary to know what those missing pieces to the puzzle are. The world may never know…but it probably has to do with swords, lava, and burned out churches.

A Lady's Touch

By: Captain Adam Vagley

 

Life isn't all high fives and Disney-themed orgies. Sometimes it requires Neosporin, bail bonds, or a little thing known as compromise. 

 

The importance of compromise has made itself apparent since my girlfriend recently moved in. Having occupied my abode for 8 months, I’ve had ample time to craft the décor in my own image. Though a moose head, stuffed marlin, and suit of armor were out of my price range, I nonetheless took steps to make my apartment a den of manliness.

 

My girlfriend, not surprisingly, subscribes to the female school of interior design, which values flowers and the color pink above weapons and taxidermied animals. Thus, we were bound to disagree over something. Below are two actual conversations we had.

 

Over dinner…

Her: “So, what are you going to do with these pirate flags? They’re kind of juvenile.”

Me, sensing a setup: “Well, I don’t know; maybe I’ll just have to store them until I have space for my own Man Cave.”

Her: “What else will you put in the Man Cave?”

Me: “Maybe a cannon.”

Her: “Do I get a Woman Cave?”

Me: “Sure.”

Her: “What goes in a Woman Cave?”

Me: “Sex and the City DVDs.”

 

In IKEA, after I suggested replacing her technicolor dreamcoat mirror with another in the store…

“But I love that mirror. It’s so colorful and you have no color in your apartment.”

“Yes I do.”

“Okay, what?”

“My nunchucks are yellow.”

 

With a man, the conversations might have gone something like this:

Man: “So, when are you going to get a bigger pirate flag?” and “So, when are you going to get bigger nunchucks?”

 

Regardless, relationships aren't about winning. Or about "misplacing" your girlfriend's things while she's at work. They're about compromise.

So we compromised: her mirror is on the wall and the nunchucks and pirate flags are exiled to my closet, where they hang out with my geisha robe and beer hat. Next up: pink draperies.