Manly Cards

Freestyle Walking

By: Chris “The Stew” Stewart

 

Do any of you walk to work, school, or any location, for that matter, on a regular basis? Me neither. Cars, planes, segways, and hovercraft have all made walking 100% obsolete. Just like any other mode of transportation, as soon as it becomes obsolete, it becomes a hobby. Horses used to be the transportation mode of the day circa 1878, but now it is just a hobby for rich people and red necks. Bicycling used to be a way sweet way to get from point A to point B, but now they are just used for BMX vert competitions and extreme trail riding. I think you get where I’m going with this.

 

Freestyle walking is popping up everywhere. It is a fun and exhilarating sport for all ages to enjoy (except the elderly…they shouldn’t leave the couch for fear of catching a draft if their Snuggies fall off). I participate in some amateur freestyle walking competitions on the weekends, and I think that if you give it a try, you’ll see how much fun this can be. To get you all started I put together this quick tutorial on some signature moves that the sport has to offer. 

 

Standard Grab

The standard grab is a staple for all Freestyle walking competitions. It involves grabbing a part of the body whilst in mid-air. As you see in this demonstrative pose, here I am performing a heel grab next to a bird. The bird is hating on me because he just got served.
 

Kick

The high kick can wow any judge in the crowd as it is a physical challenge that cannot be faked. Here is a kick that won me the Cutty Cup in 2007. It was glorious evening for all involved. It was me vs. Mike “Mike Kelly” Kelly in a freestyle kick competition that was one for the ages. The competition lasted till 4:00 in the morning and drained all energy out of the room. If it went any longer, I think we would have kicked the roof off of that mother fucking house.

 

Stall

The stall can show your skillz and your strength as a power combo move. The stall involves an objected like a park bench. The freestyle walker will jump onto the bench with either his feet or hands and stall on the bench in a sweet ass pose.  It is legend that a perfect stall can change the color of a woman’s pubic hair if she witnesses it…and by legend I mean I did it last Tuesday.

 

Flips/Twists

Flips and Twists are the bread and butter of any freestyle walking series. I often throw in a few 360's between my car and the office every morning to get the juices flowing. My client doesn’t always appreciate my tenacity in the parking lot, but if they want a clean audit opinion, they’ll keep their bitch ass mouths shut. 

 

If you want to learn more about this great sport, check out some videos on youtube such as these:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=43Qr1DzesrI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-6JIIPh_P4U&feature=related
www.freestylewalking.org

 

Later bitches.

A Noble Quest

By: Adam Vagley

 

As you might expect from Manly Cards, which does everything hardcore, we have an ironclad anti-spam and anti-virus program for our company email. As a result, only the most important messages get through. My inbox shows 15 emails at a time. On any given day, about half of those are Out of Office auto replies. It’s important to know that someone isn’t in the office; that way you don’t go there expecting to find them.

 

After running the Weekly Huddle for two years (did we miss celebrating our anniversary?), I can tell you who is almost always out of the office. It’s the same people over and over. They just don’t go to work apparently. That’s something I have a lot of experience with, so kudos to those of you chasing down the dream.

 

The other half of the emails I receive are of an altruistic nature. Labean Schweda, who must be a big fan even though he or she is not on the mailing list for Manly Cards, sent me an email with the message subject “prolonged errection”. Gage Hugar sent me one saying “How many orgasm can man do?” And from Schemmel Balderee, Vannorsdell Yoneyama, and Laxton Foote, I received emails titled “More orrgasms”.

It seems the word is out on the street, or at least on the streets of Eastern European countries with strange naming conventions, that I am on a quest to both prolong my erections and set the Guinness World Record for “Most Orgasms by a Man” so I thought it would be best to address these allegations head on.

 

As far as prolonging my erections goes, I’ve worked my way up from about 15-20 seconds to sixteen hours using a combination of ephedrine, Novocain, and Danish pornos. Viagra is for chumps. I don’t call a doctor – I call a notary to document my endurance.

 

My orgasm quest has not been as successful. It seems men are biologically prone to just one before losing all sexual ambition and falling asleep for at least an hour. Still, I appreciate the efforts of my European contacts to help me in this endeavor.

 

However, I do sometimes wonder what the health risks of all my actions might be. Perhaps my formerly Communist foreigner friends read my mind. Hence the email shouting “Attentioon!” from Eastmond Pruess and “Warningg!” from Mosteller Weiss. Hey guys, I will be careful – thanks for the heads up.

Final FOUR

By: Adam Vagley

Well, the NCAA tourney has drawn to a close, but the Manly Cards tourney continues, mostly due to our advanced technology.  Only one man sporting facial hair remains -- a one Teddy Roosevelt, who wears a healthy 'stache.

Arnold Schwarzenegger VS Jason Bourne
Pictures of Arnold from his bodybuilding days are still on the covers of magazines. Just this month I've seen him on two. He is still the closest thing to a human tank that has walked this earth. At his peak, his arms were 22" around. That's about the circumference of your head.

Bourne isn't a big dude, but relies on being about 5 steps ahead of the other guy. And sweet martial arts skills. And complete disregard for his safety. Rumor has it that he is also a big fan of Count Chocula. Arnie is more of a Wheaties & Steroids kind of guy.

Best quote from Arnold: "The best activities for your health are pumping and humping."
Best Jason Bourne quote: ...Bourne doesn't talk, he just glares at you and then kicks you in the neck. Then he steals your shitty hatchback and leads police on a wild chase through Cleveland.

Teddy Roosevelt VS William Wallace
The Teddy Bear was named for our 26th president, but he was no fuzzy animal.  He was, however, usually shooting at them. A large number of the taxidermied animals in New York's Museum of Natural History were donated by him. And all the people who work in the museum were sired by him. The Teddy taketh away and the Teddy giveth.

William Wallace was a Scottish nobleman. Very little was actually known about him, and most movie accounts are heavily romanticized. He was eventually captured, dragged naked through the streets by a horse, castrated, had his intestines cut out and burned in front of him, and then beheaded. To draw that kind of retribution he must have killed a lot of Englishmen.

Best quote from Teddy: "Don't hit a man if you can possibly avoid it; but if you do hit him, put him to sleep."
Best quote from Bill W: Unknown. Probably something witty about kilts and whiskey. Or about macing your head while you sleep.

Elite Ate…at Denny’s Each Monday; it was Quite Delicious

By: Adam Vagley

 

The Manly Tournament is now down to 8 competitors. Both Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds lost in the Sweet 16, so now we’ll never know who has the better mustache.

Without further ado, I give you the Manly Cards Elite 8.... 

 

Arnold Schwarzenegger VS Bill Murray

This is the most interesting matchup of the four here because these two dudes are clearly complete opposites. One has relied on brute size and strength to go from becoming a rural Austrian milkmaid to a 20-time Mr. Olympia to running the 6th largest economy in the world, Kah-lee-forn-yah. Bill Murray's ticket out of Eastern Europe was his comic chops, performing standup for the notoriously hard-to-please Idi Amin. He later made the best movie known to man, Caddyshack. "Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac... It's in the hole! It's in the hole! It's in the hole!"

 

Jason Bourne VS Rambo

Secret U.S. weapon versus secret U.S. weapon. It's only fitting that these two dudes matched up. Both had identity crises. Rambo didn't know who he was after 'Nam. Bourne didn't know who he was after going on an overnight drunk and then going to find the shark that ate his friend and destroy it. Since he was found floating in the ocean, it's clear that he lost that one. Both guys have sweet hand to hand combat skills, so you have to ask yourself: who would win in a fight?

 

Paul Bunyan VS Teddy Roosevelt

Two legends square off. One fake. One real. Legend has it that when he was 7 years old Paul sawed the legs off his parents bed. Why? The last people who ever questioned Paul were his parents, and no one has seen them since that night. He dug the Great Lakes so his ox would have a watering hole. Teddy had a ranch in North Dakota and once captured 3 outlaws who stole his boat. Instead of shooting them, he took them to the nearest town for a trial, staying awake for 40 hours. Afterwards, he conquered Cuba and rode a lion across the Serengeti.

 

William Wallace VS Shredder

William Wallace, or Bill as his friends called him, was a Scottish rebel who raised an army to defeat the English. While there are no actual accounts of his valor, it's likely that he personally slayed dozens of babes. In an attempt to keep his friends close and his enemies closer, he went to a slumber party at his enemies' place, where he was captured and executed. Shredder, real name Oroku Saki, wears cheese graters on his head, shoulders, and arms -- all the better to grate your face. His own face is scarred from a party when Splinter, still just a rat, scratched up his face in a fight over the last Fresca.