Manly Cards

Manly Tournament….The Quest for Manpremacy

By: Chris “The Stew” Stewart

  

The tournament continues. Who will win the battle for the manliest hombre to ever live? The power is yours (Captain Planet style). Speaking of Captain Planet, many of you might be wondering, “Hey Stew, why isn’t Captain Planet even mentioned in this tournament?” Well, the answer is that one time I called Captain Planet to play poker and attempt the world record for the longest head-stand, and he blew me off for some chick named Jane. Bro’s before ho’s El Capitan…bro’s before ho’s.

 

Okay, so here are this week’s SWEEEEEEEET 16 Matchups:

 

Arnold Schwarzenegger VS Clint Eastwood

Arnold was so manly that he said, “Fuck chicks…I’ll birth my own child” in a little movie called “Junior.” He also sliced dudes in half like Butterworth pancakes with his a huge ass sword in Conan the Barbarian. Clint Eastwood has a grizzled voice, can probably punch the sun without leaving his feet, and sharpens his knives on his leathery skin. 

 

Jason Bourne VS Al Bundy

Jason Bourne is one straight up Badass. He bones chicks, he beats the hell out of dudes for reasons that he can’t even remember, and when push comes to shove, he will jump out of a building and not think twice. Al Bundy spawned a smoking hot daughter, slammed beers with total disregard for his personal health and wellbeing, and basically personified “manliness” in the 1990’s. 

 

Paul Bunyan VS Mr. Miyagi

Paul Bunyan is a two ton mountain man that was the catalyst for the entire Seattle Grunge scene. Do you think that Eddie Vedder would have though to rock the Flannel shirts if it wasn’t for our boy Bunyan? I don’t think so. Miyagi could kick through a wall and get boozed up on Saki all in a day’s time. He taught us all a little move that if done correctly, cannot be stopped. I know from Experience. I once killed eleven 13 year old girls with the crane kick. They didn’t stand a chance.

 

William Wallace VS Tom Selleck

This matchup is probably one of the stranger matchups in this tournament.   William Wallace screamed “Freedom” instead of “mercy” whilst being gutted alive in front of family and friends, and Tom Selleck screamed “Freedom” by brandishing his amazing mustache. Two words describe Tom Selleck…Magnificent and Mustache.

 

Shredder VS Jesse the Body Ventura

Shredder was the brawn to Lord Crane’s brains. He was the one that decided that the foot clan could be more than just a bunch of punk kids, but they could be an army of well trained karate hoodlums. Shredder could bench press 450 pounds and his face is made of iron.   Jesse the Body Ventura took on the WWF, then took on politics with the same “body slam” mentality. He takes shit from nobody and once ate an entire pizza.

 

Teddy Roosevelt VS Burt Reynolds

Teddy Roosevelt was the 26^th President of the United States of America, and at one time headed up the Navy. He ran on his own “Bull and Moose” ticket and destroyed a total douchebag named Taft. Burt Reynolds swooned all chicks he came across with his glorious stache and mystique. Have you ever seen Smoky and the Bandit? Nuff said!!!

 

Rambo VS Wayne Campbell

Rambo actually tied Magnus Ver Magnussen so Manlycards used a highly sophisticated computer program (random number generator in Microsoft excel) to determine the winner. Once we obtained the results, Rambo won with a knife to the belly. Wayne Campbell is a regular at Stan Makita’s Donut shop and is rumored to have once slept for 2 days straight. 

 

Bill Murray VS JCVD

JCVD as Frank Dukes won the Kumate. He also could destroy a bottom brick while leaving the top bricks unscathed.   JCVD has had like 28 wives and starred as Guile in Street Fighter but is best known for a little movie called “Legionnaire.” Bill Murray is a real man’s man. He drinks scotch, can grow a beard and I am pretty sure that if you were paired with Bill in a three legged race, he’d pull through for the victory. 

 

There you have it. Some amazing brain busters up there. Men Everywhere….REJOICE!!!!

Manly Tournament: Round 2

By: Adam Vagley

Last week Mr. Ehrlich presented the West Bracket of our Manly Tournament.  We had a good turnout in terms of votes.  Perhaps the most surprising result was Mr. Miyagi trouncing Chuck Norris by 32 to 12.  Facial hair did not seem to give anyone a clear advantange, as some with it won and some with it lost.  This week we present the East Bracket:

Matchup 1: #1 Shredder vs. #16 RoboCop
Summary: The Shredder is a legendary martial artist in charge of the loyal Foot Clan. Four adolescent mutant turtles, specializing in ninjutsu, are unable to take him down, and he is only defeated when he pulls the docks down on himself. Robo Cop beat the shit out of the criminals of Detroit – no small feat – and oh yeah, was also pronounced dead from a shotgun blast to the face before being brought back to life.

 

Matchup 2: #2 Teddy Roosevelt vs. #15 Vladimir Putin

Summary: Teddy Roosevelt’s motto was “Carry a big stick…and hit people.” He is still the youngest president of the U.S. of A., led the Rough Riders during the Spanish American war, killed tons of huge animals around the world, and took control of the Panama Canal. As for Putin, no one much likes Russia right now, but you have to hand it to the guy: he took a sloppy, weak country and made it a rival once again. He also served in the successor to the KGB, likes fishing, and probably has had a lot of people killed.

 

Matchup 3: #3 Rambo vs. #14 Magnus ver Magnusson

Summary: Rambo is the military version of the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs. He can go to any country and shoot/stab/fight his way to victory. Magnus, who hails from Iceland, is a 4-time winner of the World’s Strongest Man contest, which means he'll smash both our faces. His biceps are 20.5 inches around.

 

Matchup 4: #4 Keanu Reeves (circa Point Break) vs. #13 JCVD

Summary: Both of these dudes have seen better days. But Keanu Reeves was cool at one time, playing a sweet ass cop in Point Break where he jumped out of airplanes and surfed. Now he’s in a shitty band. JCVD used to make some hardcore action films, kicking old ladies in the teeth and whatnot. Then he tried to act.

 

Matchup 5: #5 Bill Murray vs. #12 Bill Brasky

Summary: From Caddy Shack to Ghostbusters to The Royal Tennenbaums, Bill Murray just keeps cranking out great movies. A true American, he owns like 4 minor league baseball teams. The character of Johnny Appleseed was based on Bill Brasky…except for the part about planting apple trees…and not raping men. Bill Brasky also breastfeeds John Madden.

 

Matchup 6: #6 Wayne Campbell vs. #11 Jefferson D’Arcy from Married With Children

Summary: Wayne stuck it to the man, getting his hot girlfriend’s band a chance to play in front of…well, the other man. He also hangs out with an Indian Shaman, Jim Morrison, and Garth. Jefferson D’Arcy appeared on the scene when he married Marcy; prior to that he was in prison for fraud. Prior to that he was in the CIA but was fired when he failed to assassinate Fidel Castro. In high school, he played the triangle in a band.

 

Matchup 7: #7 Burt Reynolds vs. #10 Bo Jackson

Summary: Burt has been locked in a life or death struggle with Tom Selleck for years over who has the world’s best mustache, but there’s more to the man. He went to Florida State on a football scholarship and was a star running back before getting banged up in a car accident. He ended up getting into acting where he began cultivating his ‘stache. He has slayed dozens of hot babes. Bo Jackson was the first major 2-sport star, beating the shit out of people in football and baseball. He could probably have been an Olympian in track and field as well but focused on being sweet at 2 things instead of 3. His sports career was also ended by injuries.

 

Matchup 8: #8 Richard Marcinko vs. #9 Jesse Ventura

Summary: Both dudes are ex-Navy SEALs. Marcinko saw a lot of action in Vietnam, wrote the book “Rogue Warrior” about his experiences, and created SEAL Team Six, handpicking men from the other SEAL Teams – little known fact: there were only 2 SEAL teams at the time; he named his "Six" so other countries would think we had tons of ultimate warriors. Ventura lost his virginity to a hooker when he was 13. Never serving in combat with the SEALs, he later became a professional wrestler and actor before body slamming politics as the governor of Minnesota.

Manly Tournament

By: Ryan Ehrlich

 

I don’t know about the rest of you, but winter is really starting to piss me off. I mean, the first couple of snow falls were all well and good, 15 below didn’t even bother me at first because it was a bit of a novelty, but I think the weather has just gone too far this year. I guess it’s partly my own damn fault for living in Chicago; I guess I should have gone to grad school at UCLA.

 

Nonetheless, my obsession with the weather is distracting me from telling you about Manly Card’s cure for the frigid winter. March Madness is creeping up on us and we thought it only appropriate to create a Manly Tournament whereby we let our swank ass readers (you) decide who is the manliest specimen of our time.

 

Here is how it’s going to work: We’ll start out with two brackets, East and West, each of which will contain 16 men, for a total of 32 competitors in the battle for manpremecy. Then, each week the readers will vote for winners, with the man who receives the most votes advancing to the next round. Here’s how the schedule shapes up:

 

Week 1 – West Bracket

Week 2 – East Bracket

Week 3 – Sweet 16

Week 4 – Elite 8

Week 5 – Semi-Finals

Week 6 – Finals

 

Without further ado, I present the West bracket:

Matchup 1: #1 Arnold Schwarzenegger vs. #16 Willie Ames (Buddy Lembeck ala Charles in Charge)

Summary: Seriously, I don’t even know why we even listed this match. Schwarzenegger won Mr. Olympia 7 times and Buddy Lembeck couldn’t even score Scott Baio’s leftovers.

 

Matchup 2: #2 Jason Bourne vs. #15 Garth Algar

Summary: Jason Bourne = international badass and killing machine, Garth Algar = awkward suburban TV personality afraid of the boogeyman. This one shouldn’t be close.

 

Matchup 3: #3 Paul Bunyan vs. #14 Scott Baio

Summary: Huge lumberjack who dug the grand canyon by dragging his axe behind him while riding his huge blue ox Babe vs. a has-been who, to his credit, slayed most of the hot chicks in Hollywood, such as Pamela Anderson, Nicole Eggert, and Denise Richards.

 

Matchup 4: #4 William Wallace vs. # 13 Colonel Sanders

Summary: One guy is largely responsible for freeing Scotland from tyranny; the next is largely responsible for the proliferation of fried chicken. For the life of me, I can’t decide which is more significant.

 

Matchup 5: #5 Tom Selleck vs. #12 Dave Thomas

Summary: Again, we have two men with phenomenal achievements. Selleck revolutionized the world of facial hair and single handedly invents the mustache ride. Dave Thomas starts the best fast food place in America. I mean really, who among you wouldn’t club a baby seal for a Wendy’s double cheeseburger right now?

 

Matchup 6: #6 Chuck Norris vs. #11 Mr. Miyagi

Summary: Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. Mr. Miyagi punches through concrete like Ike Turner punches through Tina. One can only guess this battle of martial arts badassery will result in a nuclear explosion.

 

Matchup 7: #7 Al Bundy vs. # 10 Kurt Russell

Summary: Al Bundy is a god, plain and simple. Evidence: 4 touchdowns in one game for Polk High, creator of NO MA’AM, and frequent reader of BigUns.   Kurt holds his own by starring in sweet films like “Big Trouble in Little China” and “Captain Ron,” but it’s going to be hard to bring down Bundy.

 

Matchup 8: #8 Clint Eastwood vs. #9 Steven Segal

Summary: You don’t get to play badasses like Dirty Harry without being a badass yourself. Eastwood is the epitome of a Hollywood tough guy and could probably kick my teeth in tomorrow if he wanted to (he’s 78). As for Segal, well: Steven Segal is “Under Siege,” “On Deadly Ground,” and “Out for Justice”… that’s like a 3 cheese omelet of fury.

 

Your mind is probably about to explode trying to figure out who will win these epic battles – I know because my mind has already hemorrhaged several times just thinking them up. Rock the vote with the link below and we’ll release the results and a whole new set of matches next Wednesday.