Manly Cards

Tax Season Q&A with The Stew

Everyone knows by now that I am a CPA. I hear it time and time again: “Stew, it must be so awesome to be an accountant, how do you handle all of the money, chicks and parties?” Well the life of a CPA isn’t for the faint of heart, that is for sure, and let me be the first to tell you that most accountants hook up with more chicks than Brett Michaels during a season of Rock of Love. I can assure you that life as an accountant has its perks, but this lifestyle isn’t just about Make-out Parties and High Fives. As tax season is heavy on the hearts and minds of America, I’ve received some tax questions from friends and family. Below are some real life questions that I received over the past few weeks and my answers.

 

Q1.) “Stew, now that my children are grown up, and my house is paid for, I need some tax shelters to lower my taxable income…any suggestions?”

My Answer: “Probably, but I really don’t care. Did you see that chick’s cans?”

 

Q2.) “Hey dude, you’re a CPA right? Can you do my taxes for me? [nervous laugh]”

My Answer: “I’d rather have sex with a broken wine bottle than do your taxes.”

 

Q3.) “Stew what are you going to spend your tax rebate on this year?”

My Answer: “I was thinking about buying 22 cases of Miller High Life Pony bottles and hosting a case race in my basement…either that or buy some Sirius common stock.”

 

Q4.) “Hey Stew, if you were going to make the ultimate mix tape for a friend, how many Phil Collins songs would be considered ‘too much'?”

My Answer: “Most people would say 4, and those people would be wrong. Listen to your heart. If it says to put 10 Phil Collins songs on the mix tape, then you better damn well listen to your heart and put 10 Phil Collins songs on that fucking mix tape.”

 

There you have it. I hope that this will cut down on the number of tax questions that I receive over the next few months. ManlyCards.com is all about knowledge. I just broke you off a super-sized chunk of knowledge above. Take your time with it, chew slowly, and follow it up with a big tall glass of Sunny D.

 

PS: When I was searching for a picture of a broken wine bottle I came across this picture which is absolutely bad ass and I will totally try my best to recreate this picture at the next Manly Conference.

A Work of Fiction

By: A.S. Vagley

 

He stood in the doorway against a backdrop of rain, wearing a dark trench coat and brushed leather gloves. Water dripped from the brim of his fedora. He pulled off his gloves and stuffed them in his coat pocket, then removed his coat and threw it on the table near the door. I noticed his clothes were dry, but his crotch was wet.

 

“What’s up with your pants?” I asked.

 

“I have urinary incontinence,” he replied.

 

“That is a pickle.”

 

“Yeah, over 5% of adults have it; I’m learning to live with it.”

 

“I’ve seen commercials for Enablex; you should try that out.”

 

“Maybe I will,” he said, “maybe I will.”

 

I complimented him on his mustache. “Nice mustache,” I said. He nodded his appreciation.

 

“Sign here,” he asked, brandishing an electronic pad. I moved towards him, wary of getting too close to the dirty pee pants, and signed my name quickly. He handed a package out to me, but I just told him to put it on the ground. I’d be opening it only after I put on safety gloves.

 

From now on, I vowed to myself, I’d use FedEx instead of this local messenger service.

 

 

Don’t Be a Retard – Make Sure You Have Steak

Also by: A.S. Vagley

 

If I say I am a grilling man, you will agree. I had a monster grill (for New York) at my last apartment and cooked burgers, steaks, fish, and the occasional vegetable that successfully made its way through my so-called "Vegetable Gauntlet".  This was a 12-step process for determing if any vegetables should be included with my meal. Needless to say, it was a rigorous process. Meat was subjected to the much simpler "Is it meat?" test. 

At my new place, alas, there is no outdoor space for a grill. Thus I found myself on the internet looking up how to cook a steak on the stove. Google directed me to eHow, which clearly assumes its readers rode the short bus to school.

 

The directions for cooking “a delicious steak on the stove” begin with the following instruction:

 

Step 1: If you don't already have steaks on hand, make a trip to the store to purchase your favorite meat cuts.

I just hate when I go to cook a steak and shit, I don't have one. Thanks for reminding me, eHow. Now that scenario is damn near impossible. 

To continue this trend in genius, I'll be writing an article titled "How to go on a road trip."

Step 1: If you don't have a car, your plan is completely fucked.