Manly Cards

A Little Something For the Ladies…

By: Adam Vagley

Actually, the title is a lie – there’s nothing special in here for the ladies. That’s because I’m gender blind and don’t believe women should get special treatment. This is also a good time to segue into the real topic of today’s Huddle: ninjas, platypuses, and flying.

 

I don’t think anyone who is familiar with my huddles is unaware that I am generally a large fan of animals. Sure, occasionally you need to manage the geese population by sucking them into airplane engines, and once in a while you need to veer your car on the highway to take out that aging baby deer. But overall I think they’re pretty sweet. My top favorite TV channels are Oxygen, Lifetime, the Food Network, and Animal Planet, with emphasis on Animal Planet, and further emphasis on Animal.

 

Of all the members of the animal kingdom, I just can’t get over the platypus. How evolution spit out this creature is anyone’s guess, and the platypus has been confusing the shit out of everyone since its inception. To put this animal in perspective, picture a man who has never lost a game of Mind Trap, runs a 7-minute mile, and can cook a meal using items from all the groups of the food pyramid. Now picture this man with the face of a duck.

 

Ninjas are an entirely different story. They are the personification of agility and function. There isn’t any part of a ninja that doesn’t belong. They are the anti-platypus. No one ever says "Is that a ninja or a duck?" Some people might say ninjas are played out. Maybe so, but……maybe not. 

 

And then there is flying. I’ve been told unaided flight is like touching lightning. If that’s true, then flying on a platypus is like lightning gently cupping your balls with silk gloves while spoon-feeding you honey. 

 

Clearly, all three of these things are awesome. That’s why I decided to combine them into an invite for a NYE party using PowerPoint. Most people just use an email message or Evite to coordinate festivities. That's what people in the biz call "fucking lame". 

You can check out this masterpiece by clicking on the image below, which will take you to ManlyCards.com for viewing. This is completely appropriate for work.  Unless awesomeness isn't permitted at work.

New Year’s Resolve

By: Scotty Frye

 

As we’re into the second week of the New Year, many of you have probably been attempting to keep pace with your lofty New Year’s resolutions. One thing I’ve noticed with regards to resolutions is that they seem to be better suited for women than men. To understand this, let‘s explore a few of the more popular pacts.  

 

An age-old New Year’s resolution is to begin exercising to lose weight. Now, I am certainly supportive of anyone that feels they need to lose a few extra pounds and I recognize how difficult it must be to do so. I definitely commend anyone who has the willpower to change daily routines. I can think of more than a few females who have pursued this goal and been successful doing so. This one doesn’t seem to work so well for the guys. Why? Well because that plan is shot by about 10:00AM New Year’s morning when they wake up with a pounding headache, a churning stomach, and a stale whiskey taste in their mouth. 

 

They flip on the TV while they briefly do a mental scan of their options: 1) get up and go for a warm-up jog before hitting the weights; 2) get some Advil and crawl back into bed; or 3) get some greasy fast food and start boozing again to eat and drink away the hangover. They roll over to see the College Gameday crew breaking down the plethora of college football games that day. 

 

Option 3 is starting to sound pretty good and they realize they can’t disgrace the greatest day of football of the year by going to the gym or taking a nap and missing games. They order the pizza and wings, fire up the Lil’ Smokies, and chill the brews. When they finally sober up two days later, they remember that they had made a resolution to exercise and get healthy. They realize they’ve already burned through roughly 1/180^th of the year so figure they might as well just plan to pick the resolution up again next year.

 

Another popular New Year’s resolution is to cut back on drinking, smoking, or whatever the vice of preference may be. The problem with this one for guys is that guys have guy friends. While the need to cut back may seem relevant the morning after the night of debauchery known as New Years, that need quickly fades in the minds of his buddies. 

If he tries to carry that resolution into the next night out with his boys, he will not receive words of encouragement. Instead, he will be put down, called a pussy, and possibly even forced into a full-nelson while liquor is dumped down his throat. His buddies will likely make it a point to make sure the ‘no boozing resolution’ is shattered. Once it touches his lips it’s all downhill as his boys perceive that he’s already broken his resolution – he now has the green light to consume freely. Before he knows it he’ll be ripping shots, doing minefields, and longing for the sobriety of next year’s resolution. 

 

Finally, there is the New Year’s resolution to spend less money. The difficulty for guys is that this pact is often made with the girlfriend/fiance/wife. As such, she is also looking to cut back on her finances. After a few weeks of this, she starts to tire of this new “sub”standard of living and longs for the days of nice dinners, gifts, and general pampering. However, she’s going strong on her New Year’s resolution and wants to be able to continue to brag about her ability to stay true to her pact. He begins to hear how she “doesn’t feel cared about anymore” and that he “should do things to show how much he truly loves her“. Before he knows it, he’s sponsoring shopping trips and sending her to the spa.

 

What can be learned from all of this? Guys should shy away from New Year‘s resolutions next year. If not, they will inevitably become drunker and poorer as a result of trying to better their lives.

Business School Goes Skiing

By: Ryan Ehrlich

 

I recently returned from a ski trip to the great Rocky Mountains with a bunch of my fellow business school students. The trip consisted of number crunching, regression analysis, a conference on the state of the financial markets, and, of course, 80’s day. While I’m sure you’re all itching to hear about the first 3 topics listed above, I’m instead going to tell you about how business school does 80’s day.

 

I knew the celebration of the best decade America has ever seen was going to be good when my alarm clock went off at 8:00 am and instantly started blaring Footloose by none other than Kenny Loggins. This was only appropriate since Loggins basically composed and performed the soundtrack for every great 80’s movie. As if you needed evidence of this fact:

 

Footloose – Footloose (rumor has it Kevin Bacon is coming back for more - http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0087277/news#ni0630476 )

I’m Alright – Caddyshack (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0080487/)

Meet Me Halfway – Over The Top (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093692/)

Danger Zone and Playing with the Boys – Top Gun (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092099/ )

This is It – No movies I know of, but Loggins and Michael McDonald teamed up in ’79 to basically start the 80’s music era with this jam

With Loggins rocking in my head (Tonight I gotta cut loose, foot loose, kick off your Sunday shoes, please Louise…) I perused the itinerary for the day ahead:

8:00am-3:30pm – Rock the slopes in your best 80’s gear

3:30pm-5:30pm – Après ski (translated into English it means: consume alcohol) in 80’s gear

9:00pm-2:00am – 80’s party with two 80’s cover bands including these guys http://www.fasttimesband.com/home.htm

 

I donned my emerald green one piece ski suit (stolen from my pops, who advised “one pieces are really warm, in fact you should probably get one for yourself...”) and hit the slopes. I thought my one piece would take the cake for best 80’s costume, but I should have known better, I wasn’t the only one who grew up in the 80’s. One piece ski suits littered the mountain, puffy jackets with strange florescent shapes were plentiful, and at least one guy was brave enough to rock aviators down the slopes in 5 degree temperatures.

 

After a few après ski cocktails, I realized the only logical way to fill the three and a half hour void between the après ski and the 80’s party was to watch the two best 80’s ski movies of all time - Hot Dog and Aspen Extreme back-to-back. Now, I know the Aspen Extreme enthusiasts (roughly 94% of Manly Cards readers) out there are saying, “but Ryan, Aspen Extreme was released in 1993.” While I understand your logic, if you look at the bright florescent yellow one piece TJ Burke is sporting on the movie cover, I think you’ll agree that this movie was clearly filmed in the 80’s. It just takes 3 years to edit such a masterpiece.

 

Finally the hour was upon to roll into the 80’s party. Our crew brought a strong line-up of outfits which included plaid pants, side pony tails, spandex pants, neon colors galore, leg warmers, and v-neck t-shirts, but we quickly realized that our fellow b-schoolers made us look tame. One guy had a full Ghost Busters uniform complete with proton pack gun, another flaunted a Hypercolor shirt, and there was a plethora of gentleman wearing short shorts, crop tops, and head bands (all neon of course).  

The bands blasted one 80’s jam after another and the crowd gladly sang along (by sang, I think we all know I really mean screamed). I’m usually partial to Don’t Stop Believing as the ultimate 80’s ballad, but I think the crowd that night went after Jessie’s Girl the hardest…and who can blame them, Rick Springfield is a god.