An incomprehensible article by: 50
HO HO HO MY FELLOW SCROOGES - HOW THE HELL ARE WE ON THIS WONDERFUL MORN? THAT’S RIGHT IT IS INDEED AFTER THANKSGIVING AND THUS, A PERFECT TIME TO START GETTING FESTIVE! SO HO HO HO 50'S GETTIN FESTIVE! SO GET YOUR ASSES OVER TO THE NEAREST GAS STATION OR CONVENIENCE STORE 
AND GRAB A QUART OF EGG NOG AND A FIFTH OF PLASTIC BOTTLE WHISKEY. MIXX THAT SHIT UP AND HAVE YOURSELF A DELICIOUS GLASS OF ALCOHOLIC PANCAKES HA FUKK YEAH WHAT COULD GO WRONG HUH NOTHING YEAH THATS RIGHT SHOT GUN THAT SHIT CAUSE THERE AINT NUTHIN BETTER THAN PUKING EGG NOG IN THE MORNING OR EVENING FOR THAT MATTER
AND GRAB A QUART OF EGG NOG AND A FIFTH OF PLASTIC BOTTLE WHISKEY. MIXX THAT SHIT UP AND HAVE YOURSELF A DELICIOUS GLASS OF ALCOHOLIC PANCAKES HA FUKK YEAH WHAT COULD GO WRONG HUH NOTHING YEAH THATS RIGHT SHOT GUN THAT SHIT CAUSE THERE AINT NUTHIN BETTER THAN PUKING EGG NOG IN THE MORNING OR EVENING FOR THAT MATTER"ONCE A PLAN GETS TOO COMPLEX, EVERYTHING GOES WRONG - THAT'S ONE THING I LEARNED IN 'NAM."
-WALTER SOBCHAK, AFTER RELAYING HIS INTENTION OF BEATING THE RANSOM OUT OF THE HANDS OF BUNNY LEBOWSKI'S CAPTORS.
SO IF YOU COULDN'T TELL, FIFTY IS HOT DAMN READY TO IMPART SOME WISDOM ON HIS MANLINGS, HIS FAITHFUL EARNEST UNDERSTUDIES. YOU ARE ALL WONDERFUL IN FIFTY'S KEEN, EAGLE EYES. AND THOSE KEEN EAGLE EYES ARE EVEN KEENER, MORE LIKE DRAGONS EYES REALLY CAUSE HES BEEN SHOTGUNNING EGGNOGG AND WHISKEY LIKE A GOOD LITTLE CHRISTMAS LAD. AND EVEN THOUGH HE KIND OF ALREADY HAS, WHAT WITH THAT WHOLE CHUG EGGNOG WITH BOOZE IN IT AND THEN THE LEBOWSKI QUOTE AND ALL, AND THATS ALL WELL AND GOOD BUT, YKNOW, ALL OF FIFTY'S LITTLE WONDERS NEED MORE. YOU ALL NEED MORE THAN THAT. YOU'RE HUNGRY GROWING BOYS!
HERE ARE SOME AWESOME THINGS TO CONSIDER. OPEN YOUR MINDS AND ALLOW YOUR LIVES TO BE CHANGED!
- FIRST OFF, AS AN INVESTMENT IN YOUR FUTURE, BUY MANLYCARDS! IT'S A HOLIDAY SEASON AND YOU NEED TO BE GIVING SOME BADASS CARDS TO PEOPLE WHO EXPECT TO BE GETTIN SOME CARDS AND BELIEVE ME WE KNOW WHEN YINZ ARE BUYIN AND WHEN YOU AINT BUYIN AND IF YOU AINT FIFTY'S COMIN TO CASTRATE YOUR ASSES. OR, YOUR NUTS. NOT YOUR ASSES. HE'LL CASTRATE YOUR NUTS. BUT ITS CLOSE ENOUGH TO OUR ASSES.
- CURIOUS ABOUT WHAT TO SEND FIFTY FOR CHRISTMAS? HOW ABOUT A BASKET OF ASSORTED MEATS AND CHEESES?- THEY GOT THESE LITTLE CAMERAS INSIDE GAS STATION DEBIT CARD READERS THAT STEAL YOUR IDENTITY HERE IN LOS ANGELES AND BOY OH BOY DO THEY SUCK DICK. 
I'D BE HARD PRESSED TO FIND ANYONE WHO HASN'T BEEN SCREWED UPPY THE BUMMY BY GETTIN CARELESS AT SOME SHADY ASS GAS PUMP. AND YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY CHAPS MY ASS IS THAT, I MEAN, JESUS WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME ANYONE ACTUALLY WENT INTO THE FRIGGIN GAS STATION AND PAID CASH TO THE ATTENDANT - AS IF I ALREADY KNOW HOW MUCH GAS I'M GOING TO PUMP INTO MY FUCKING CAR. WHAT AM I SOME KIND OF MAGICIAN? AM I GONNA STICK MY FINGER ALLLLL THE WAY INTO THE GAS TANK AND ASK THE ELVES WHO LIVE IN ERE HOW THIRSTY THEY ARE? STUPID SHIT CAMERAS.
I'D BE HARD PRESSED TO FIND ANYONE WHO HASN'T BEEN SCREWED UPPY THE BUMMY BY GETTIN CARELESS AT SOME SHADY ASS GAS PUMP. AND YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY CHAPS MY ASS IS THAT, I MEAN, JESUS WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME ANYONE ACTUALLY WENT INTO THE FRIGGIN GAS STATION AND PAID CASH TO THE ATTENDANT - AS IF I ALREADY KNOW HOW MUCH GAS I'M GOING TO PUMP INTO MY FUCKING CAR. WHAT AM I SOME KIND OF MAGICIAN? AM I GONNA STICK MY FINGER ALLLLL THE WAY INTO THE GAS TANK AND ASK THE ELVES WHO LIVE IN ERE HOW THIRSTY THEY ARE? STUPID SHIT CAMERAS. - FIFTY'S GOT A WICKED BELLY ACHE AT THE MOMENT, MAN THAT SHIT SUCKS. CAUSE HE JUST HAD AN EXCELLENT DUMP. IT SHOULDN'T BE THIS WAY.
- FIFTY WANTED TO MAKE A LAST DIVE ATTEMPT AT IMPARTING A MASSIVE PIECE OF KNOWLEDGE TO ALL YOU MANLINGS TO CLOSE OUT THIS MOST BADASS AND ACCEPTABLE HUDDLE, BUT SEEING AS HOW HE JUST DUMPED A HEARTY LOAD INTO THE OL TERLET, HE'S A BIT OUT OF 'SUBSTANTIAL INSPIRATION' IF YOU CATCH THE DRIFT. SO FIFTY'S SIGNING OFF. FIFTY LOVES YOU MORE THAN YOUR COMPUTER, BUT FIFTY CAN'T GET YOU THE PORNO. THE CHOICE IS YOURS.
